19 April, 2016

Things men should stop saying before sex

Pleasing women has always been very tricky, even before Lord Maurice Egerton built a castle in Njoro for Lady Victoria, who was never pleased and likened it to nyumba ya kuku or mbwa! Indeed, with women, all you have to do is press the wrong button and they will be gone. Just like that! 
Matters get even trickier in the bedroom where being nervous can get men sweating profusely, mumbling incoherently for madam to turn on the lights, yet she prefers giza totoro.

Here are 10 things men should avoid telling a woman before hitting the sack:
1. I will rarua you 
When you start roaring how you will shred her into small pieces, she imagines you are endowed like a horse where it matters. But just shut up. She will compliment you if need be or you surpass her expectations.
2. I will set it on fire
No woman loves being left feeling sore after it’s over. Don’t tell her a zima moto will be needed only for you to light up half your kiberiti that is blown off even before she starts panting.
3. Are you wet
Can’t you check Men check the oil gauge of their cars, but for that, they have to ask! Yet it is part of pre-match warm up. ‘Are you wet’ is a retarded question that should be reserved for umbrella hawkers.

4. This is what you have been begging for
Why do some men make it sound like one is so desperate to indulge in ‘field events’ The whole sheet-wrinkling session is a two-way traffic.  Besides, if you really didn’t want her, how did you end up throbbing at the temples in eager anticipation

5. Does your ex know you are here
Talking about an ex, whether yours or the woman’s, is a big no-no and turn off. The only time one should talk about an ex (file) is 10 years after they’re dead, or if they owe you loads of dough. Whether the ex knows you’re the new ‘Sheriff in her town’ is  neither here nor in Suguta Valley.
6. Where do you want me to touch
Use experience, bloody moron! And if you’re a first-timer, does it mean you ploughed through high school without gaining any knowledge from movies
7. Can I unleash a ‘silencer’
Unleashing a ‘silencer’ or a thunderous ‘bazooka’, specially if you are used to each other, is part of that silly laughter being comfortable with each other brings. If you really need to fart, please go ahead, but keep in mind that nobody wants to anticipate the stench of half-cooked beans and other decaying plant proteins you have been eating.
8. Did you bring rubber
Dear men, over 50 years after independence and you still have to ask whether we carried ‘Rubber Johnny’ Just sheath your kuni!  9. Don’t tell my girlfriend
 Women are naturally jealous. So, if your chick’s best pal decides you have to kuta vitu, then never mention another woman. It is common sense, stupid!
10. Baby, I’m broke
Not unless you are saying that to a ‘night nurse’ hoping to get a discount, don’t talk about money matters in the bedroom. It not only makes you sound weak, but could also see you lose her, especially if it’s the first time Miss Babes is unleashing Venus for you. Women love men who have their lives in order. Man up!

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